dreamihadofyou

circles are round.

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 20:13:23 GMT

whiny journal is whiny.

"you don't love ANYTHING, mr. udall."

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 15:15:56 GMT

i'm really tired of being nice.

and yes, sometimes i can force myself to stomach the concept of karmic retribution, but underneath the scratchy bits is a really nice girl.

you know what they say about the nice ones.

i hope it crashes, screaming and burning

sensory overload

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 15:03:49 GMT

i just got finished reading the fucking amazingly brilliant comic series preacher, and i'm a mess.

collection 8, "all hells' a-coming" had possibly the most poignant, heart-smashing line in it that i could ever think would stir a reaction out of this seemingly hardassed brain of mine.

it's a long, involved and geniusly crafted story to begin with, so to try to fill anyone in here that isn't familiar would be long and rambling and might even take away from the mystery of reading the damned thing in the first place, but the story revolves around a couple that seem to beat all the odds because they are just exactly right for each other, and they know it. events and catastrophes keep tearing them apart, and they deal with their collective tragedies in various ways, but eventually it all leads to the same conclusion; that they are not only meant to be, they are SUPPOSED to be.

this line i mentioned...yeah, i'm getting to it.
basically, their mutual good friend assists them in reuniting for the umpteenth time, and in watching them together simply states, "i wish i was one of you. either one."
needless to say, i turned into a snivelling wreck of a woman for about two hours, not to mention the countless pages of dialog between tulip and jesse that kept me ripping off fingernails and blinking away even more stupid tears because, well, goddamnit, i felt that once.

godfuckingdamnitsonofabitchmotherfucker, there were lines in those pages that echoed the lines of remembered dialog in my brain, on pages of text and even in these here livejournal archives.

panels rendered by artists that could just as well be photographs in my album.

don't get me wrong, i enjoyed the ever living hell out of the series. i'll probably read it again and over, simply because it's just fucking ridiculously brilliant. worst review ever, i know. i'm just a bit stunted for words right now.

i'll stop being a melancholy whineomaticatron, buck up and move it forward. that's what i'm supposed to do, right? i take my unannounced emotional reactions and the catalysts for them as they come, since they seem to be so random and usually few and far between.
it's just a bit unnerving (yeah, yeah.) to be smacked in the head with the "this used to be yours." stick, and then kicked down the "you don't have that anymore." stairs. again. months after "progess".
not something i spend a lot of time thinking about these days, since i'm working so diligently on the "moving it forward" assembly line that's expected of me.

i also, on the recommendation of several people and reading some amazing reviews, have just started listening to sigur ros, and i am totally, incomprehensibly blown out of the water.
not to mention that i can't stop listening to neutral milk hotel. completely hooked.

"you see those two together and you know why the stars are shining. you know what time it is. when they first met it was all full throttle; it was hearts and guns and car chases and sweaty sex whenever they felt like it, and lots of staring into each other's eyes at sundown and 'i'll do anything for you'...and then they got split up, and that was a long, dark, cold, bad time. and then...presumably because the world IS a good place and it IS worth fighting for after all...they found each other again." - amy, preacher vol. 8

"do you really think i don't know how bad things are? i'm the one it happened to. of course i know. i've just been through the worst time of my life. it was a nightmare; it's probably fucked me up in all kinds of ways and i'm sure it's going to cause problems between you and me, stuff we're going to have to work out...but i woke up from the nightmare three days ago because i realized with absolute certainty that i would NOT let it destroy me." tulip, to jesse. preacher, vol.8

perpetual

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 17:53:48 GMT

no matter what i do, i always have about 10 to 100 thought cycles swirling through my brain simultaneously, and at excessive speeds. some stay in the limelight more than others, and with these new "emotional" realizations, some are tending to stick around when i'd rather focus on others. sometimes they hold hands and mesh, and other times it's non sequitor after non sequitor, and even other times they are downright fucking without protection.

that said, i have a relentless amount of material to write about here, but i can't harness anything long enough to give it a worthy telling. it's all bits and pieces and might possibly read like this:

"....will never get you anywhere if you keep doing that..."
"...10th planet, you say? must read more.."
"...student loans at my age and paying them off might take..."
"...hair stays natural red or should i go purple..."
"...do i really need to be printing this out, or is that the OCD attacking.."
"...do i have time for that..."
"...it isn't really what it looks like, and maybe some day that WILL happen to you..."
"...i miss that.."
"...typical me, typical me, typical me..."
"...med school is no longer an option, no matter the justifications..."
"...maybe that WAS my fault, regardless of what they say..."
"...i cannot ever have enough textbooks..."
"...your time has passed..."
"...to be able to afford my own place and still be working non-stop..."
"....that folder is conspicuously misplaced, must get to bottom of..."
"...stop viewing it as what you USED to be able to do so well, but where you can go..."
"...63 divided by 6, or is it 5, but how will that account for funds needed..."
"...that one wasn't your fault..."

and so on and so forth and so on and, well, yeah.

this is not poetry. it's the sound of the inside of my head. if it were poetry, it would suck.

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 18:06:39 GMT

just keep running and running and closing those doors from me i know i'm a cancer a melanoma malignant
tumor in your memory relentless and pulsating there is no cure no placebo no sugar pill remedy you can't get rid of me i'm not your enemy but you're inside of me i'm still inside of you i'm a fool you're a room with no view can i see through like the ghost that you are that you were still posessing me i think you stained the back sides of my eyelids blue when i sewed them shut again

you can still be my one eyed man in the kingdom of braille readers i still hold those lego figures that you never saw in the pockets of my jeans but i stopped making them hold hands about the same time i lost that page from the coloring book that you did see the one january that wasn't icy because the birds were still snug in their nest that you breathed on

"where, where were you when i needed you most, when i needed a friend?"
"flesh of my flesh and mind of my mind, two of a kind but one won't survive."

i still maintain that we are one and the same if i'd never known you then i'd never know pain two peas in a pod two rebels without a clue that old saying about being cut from the same fabric and my cliches are neverending because the whole bloody thing is so prototypical it just screams to be dressed up like mannequins

stop finding your boxing gloves and dragging me into the ring when i'm sleeping we never fought but your memories don't fight fairly i mean i'm missing teeth already but you'll never know since you can't see me smiling

looping is loopy

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 15:10:54 GMT

i am having serious issues with reality.

tangibly irritating mental loops that force me out of a comfort zone are NOT a good way to spend every waking and sleeping moment.

nightmares. pretty hefty ones. woke up at work crying and couldn't stop. they were so REAL.

i'm not sure if maybe they weren't real or not. the lines are getting fuzzier.

not much i care to elaborate on

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 16:15:14 GMT

i don't think i'm okay.

it was be pretty whiny mcmopepants to elaborate. nothing happened, just the inside of my head exploding in rapid succession.

the thing is, at this point, i need to stop trying to distract myself and actually feel this shit for a while. maybe that's how you deal with 8-10 years worth of supressed emotions, regrets and memories.
i'm not sure how one does that, exactly.
i wish i knew.

long roads

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 14:54:01 GMT

i'm fascinated by psychology and the events which lead to certain states of mind.
my capacities for severe introspection, detailed research, categorization and making lists keep leading me back to a pretty weighty subject, so that i can possibly gain even more insight into remedy and recooperation.
i'd like to say i've done very well by myself in cleaning up the aftermath of situations that claim to need some form of external "therapy", however there are things that keep coming back to me that i haven't been able to put in their proper and respective places yet.

here's what i need to work on.

What might I experience as a survivor of sexual abuse?

low self esteem

inability to trust others

exaggerated willingness to remain in dysfunctional or abusive relationships

sexual dysfunction

drug/alcohol abuse

eating disorders

distorted body image

flashbacks of the abuse - i'm quite happy to say that these have diminished, except when i'm highly intoxicated.

frequent nightmares

intruding thoughts

frozen or numbed emotions

depression

anxiety

self abuse and self-deprivation

difficulty experiencing pleasure

Common Effects of Abuse

Sexual abuse can cause many conflicts, symptoms and confusing feelings. Here are some examples of the things survivors experience:
(i've only left the pertinent ones in, because there are an unfortunate amount. the ones that tend to be most prevalent are bolded.)

Having sex with many partners to prove that they’re “OK.”

Fear/discomfort or ambivalence about sex; avoidance of sex.

Fearing that sex will “ruin” a good relationship.

Seeing sex as non-relational: something that is done “to” rather than “with”.

Seeing sex as a tool or commodity to get what you want, Compulsive/frequent sexual activity (masturbation, hook-ups).

Frequent use of pornography. - in my opinion, there is nothing inherantly unhealthy about this. some "experts" may tend to disagree.

Low self-worth, Fear, Guilt, shame, Anger, Loneliness/isolation, Avoidance, Substance abuse, Dissociative episodes

Feeling detached from self or parts of body

Feeling split between feelings and experience

“Spacing out” or “leaving body”- particularly during sex.

Attempts to make body unattractive (self-harm, overeating, undereating)

Attempts to make body strong so won’t be a victim again (compulsive exercise)

Hating body, how it looks, Hating specific parts of the body

i'll get to the bottom of this, again.

the pursuit of "perfection"

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 15:23:54 GMT

i mentioned a while back that i am having some serious self esteem issues. now you can look for yourself.

there's a lot of pictures under the cut, just so you know.

october 1996- 96 lbs. vegetarian, generally healthy. size 2.

june 1997- 108 lbs + working out all the time. size 4.

march 1999- 87 lbs. not eating. size 0.

december 2000- 110 lbs. healthy. size 2.

july 2001- 115 lbs. eating meat again, going to the gym. super ridiculous healthy. size 4.

february 2002- 125 lbs. starting the imminent fall, but not noticibly. size 6.

may 2003- 134 lbs. yeah. size 8.

december 2003- 145 lbs. face it, i look like crap. size 10.

and now? see above, add short red hair.
i eat super healthy all the time, have gone back to being a vegetarian as of last fall, hardly ever eat fried or processed foods, have started working out again, and here i am.

i have never felt so ugly.

mindless repetition

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 15:12:48 GMT

it would appear that every subject that i have been rattling around in my head to talk about has already recently been covered by friends.

1. body image, past weight gain and the dissatisfaction therein. recent strategies to overcome said obstacle, as well as previous and ongoing attempts.

2. severe mental stagnation, thought deterioration, lack of intellectual input. results of aforementioned weighed against extreme thirst for information.

3. avoidance in general, apathy vs. empathy, inner philsophical battles.

4. stunted creativity and lack of impetus for creative output, feelings of inadequacy weighed against previous overachiever status and abilities. diminished motivation.

well, there you have it. everyone's said everything i need/want to say, so i just summarized with a list.
how typical is that?

"And progress is a message that we send.
One step closer to the future, one inch closer to the end.
I say
That progress is a synonym of time.
We are all aware of it but it's nothing we refine,
And progress is a debt we all must pay."
-"Progess", Bad Religion

ugh.

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 14:14:52 GMT

i am so ready to hit the mission abort button on this entire fucking concept.

it feels unnatural, uncomfortable, and it's really only making me want to push myself further away from everything even more.

but, you know what?

i'm not going to abandon it. not yet, anyway.

i just really don't feel right.

opening up?

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 14:47:27 GMT

this must be a direct result of my recent "letting everything go" and acting out of character.
that, and i like the shot.

strange. i wonder what's next?

tests are funny.

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 03:17:57 GMT

Spiteful Loner
You are 100% Rational, 0% Extroverted, 100% Brutal, and 0% Arrogant.

You are the Spiteful Loner, the personality type that is most likely to go on a shooting rampage. You are a rational person and tend to hold emotions in very low-esteem; not only that, but you are also rather introverted, meaning you probably bury any emotions you feel deep inside yourself. Combine these traits with your hatred of others and your brutality, and it seems that you would be quite likely to shoot innocent people in a rampage. Not only that, but you are also a very humble person--not a braggart at all--meaning you could possibly have low-self esteem. This is only yet one more incentive to go on a shooting rampage, because you wouldn't care if you died as a result. Granted, you probably haven't gone on a shooting rampage and probably never will, but all the motivations are there. In conclusion, your personality is defective because you are too introverted, brutal, insecure, and rather unemotional. No wonder no one hangs around you, you morbid, cold-hearted freak!

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.

2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.

3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Televangelist.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Capitalist Pig, the Smartass, and the Sociopath.

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

tension mounting

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 02:45:49 GMT

sometimes i just feel as though i have to throw bricks in people's faces for them to understand.

i sit here with this new journal, and even apply all this bullshit to my non-internet life, and i'm still the girl with all the issues. i hate issues.

fuck. i'm only a couple sentences into this thing and it reads like a pedantic 13 year old's whiny angstfestival. neat. i'll keep at it while i'm on the bandwagon.

i ask myself for change, other people ask me for change. it's not something i'm terribly afraid of anymore, otherwise i wouldn't be sitting here right now attempting this idiotic feat of personal stupidity/growth.
when i'm making an active attempt, don't shoot me down immediately. these things take time.

i spend a lot of time in my head. home is where your head is, or something like that.
it's a rather comfy little nesting spot, even when it's loud.

this rant could go on, but i'm not much for feather ruffling right now or toe-stepping or pointing fingers.

i've been walking on eggshells for far too long, however, and some iron boots would be mighty rewarding (for me, anyway) right now.
i can keep this up.
we do what we do in the face of civility.
the charade of polite.
the awkward dance of respect.
the puppet show of friendship.

anger is always easy for me. that's one thing i've got harnessed. giddyup cowgirl. jingle jangle them there spurs.

addendum 1

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 14:28:03 GMT

i am terrified of the strength of my own passion.

headcheck notation #1

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 00:24:55 GMT

this is already much more of a hassle than i thought.

cue two arguments with a good friend in three days, all because i am "speaking my feelings".

further analysis as data collects.

progress report: check your head

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 15:11:31 GMT

the realization has set in that with acceptance and outward portrayal of emotions that are usually more comfortable in boxes and file cabinets comes a certain wild instability that i am really hoping is temporary.

previously, i had been striving for security, reduction in panic and feelings of guilt, and a more "mellow" standpoint, however my methods of going about this had apparent flaws, even if some of them appeared to be working.

in "opening up" more that i previously have over the last couple of months, and especially right now (although i obviously can't say how long this will last, because it's new and unusual) i'm wide-eyed and twitchy, and something in the back of my head doesn't feel quite right.
i have strange waves of seemingly inappropriate feelings coming in and out, but so quickly i can't harness them and feel like i can put them to any tangible use.

i've been rolling over in my head something skiadaimonos said to me the other night about my first impression with her, which i'm glad was quickly changed, but something i was aware of even then.
two years ago, and maybe even still (this is one of the reasons i made this damned thing) i presented myself with a certain disdainful aggression in social situations; i came off as simultaneously aloof and cold but also commanding and powerful and angry.
in some times, i have maintained a false sense of assertiveness and confidence to mask the fact that i essentially have none. textbook stuff. nothing no one doesn't know already.

i guess sometimes i don't make it clear, and other times i make it overly clear how inept i can be socially. i either try too hard or try too little. most of the time in large groups, i am terrified of speaking at all. it's not that usually most of the people in such a group aren't my friends, because i'm terrible with strangers and that's another topic for another time, but i seem to get on much more advantageously in individual settings or at most, with two other people.

the biggest question of the moment that i already know some of the answers to, but continue to ask myself in a theoretical context is: what is it with my mind that doesn't want me to reveal myself to people, to share myself and my experiences, opinions and feelings? i do this with such a steel reluctance at times, further alienating the people that i care for.
i mean, i only recently came to the realization that people actually do want to know me, and not my walls and barriers. they want to see what i am capable of, not what i am capable of doubting, rejecting, ignoring and hiding from.
i am not defined by my hinderances, but i certainly have made it an unintentional point to be perceived that way in the past solely from lack of effort on my part to get beyond them.

as most of you know, and as much as i am continually reminded of how overdone this is, i'm still a big advocate of expressing myself through music, because really, sometimes the message IS perfect.
here's one that i feel closes this post well. i've always related to it perhaps a little too well.

I sit at my table and wage war on myself
It seems like it's all, it's all for nothing
I know the barricades, and
I know the mortar in the wall breaks
I recognize the weapons, I used them well

This is my mistake. Let me make it good
I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down

I've a rich understanding of my finest defenses
I proclaim that claims are left unstated,
I demand a rematch
I decree a stalemate
I divine my deeper motives
I recognize the weapons
I've practiced them well. I fitted them myself

It's amazing what devices you can sympathize, empathize
This is my mistake. Let me make it good
I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down

Reach out for me and hold me tight. Hold that memory
Let my machine talk to me, let my machine talk to me

This is my world
And I am world leader pretend
This is my life
And this is my time
I have been given the freedom
To do as I see fit
It's high time I've razed the walls
That I've constructed

You fill in the mortar. You fill in the harmony
You fill in the mortar. I raised the wall
And I'm the only one
I will be the one to knock it down

i can't decide if i am crying from happiness or sadness

Sat, 09 Jul 2005 17:58:23 GMT

"We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear."

attempts to understand something or other, episode one

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 18:24:18 GMT

it would appear that every time i go to the grocery store with my mother, i get frustrated to the point of verbally lashing out at her, and then getting even more annoyed when she gets upset as a reaction to me.

i cannot seem to figure out why i treat her like this, and always feel terrible during and especially afterwards.

i know that i have issues with other peoples' competancy, and expect precision and throroughness in just about everyone (which is too high a standard to hold, i know) but i have never regarded my mother in that fashion, particularly after her surgery and resulting problems. i try and support her shortcomings rather than react violently to them. i try to be patient and supportive, and i'm normally a pretty patient person to begin with.

it saddens me to act this way, yet it never changes every time we go, even when i am actively conscious of my behavior.

i did it again not just an hour ago, and i feel awful about it. i start to sound like a barking taskmaster, or a stern general. while certain aspects of my personality lend well to this, and my ability to go into pure "it must be done quickly, efficiently and correctly!" without any emotional regard can be useful, it certainly becomes very inappropriate when dealing with someone who is already so impacted emotionally by their inabilities.

the last thing i enjoy doing is hurting my mother's feelings.

it's back

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 19:29:29 GMT

i revised the reasons for this seperate journal and will be continuing to post here now with a slightly altered agenda.

also, most of the posts will be public, as i'm trying to accomplish something huge here.

all interested in the ride are welcome to pay the bus fare.

adieu

Tue, 31 May 2005 15:33:59 GMT

there is no point to this journal anymore.

i really feel that i created it several months too late for it's intended purpose.

i MIGHT rearrange it and use it for something else now, so it's not going to be deleted, but i'm just expressing the fact and reiterating the pointlessness of the original motive and agenda.

this post is brought to you by the letter "f" and a smoothie

Mon, 23 May 2005 14:42:34 GMT

fuck fuckity fucking fuck fucktastic fuckwad mcfucksalot.

i'm using this journal to update about random nonsense while attempting to keep on the rather wavering previous subject/reason this journal exists anyway, because i have many reasons for not using my normal blog at this time.
i had attempted to even stay AWAY from this infernal thing for several weeks/months, but the true die-hard nerdotron that i am coupled with my obsessive desire to catalogue and diagram everything and so...
drumroll...

here i am again.

i'm not even sure i know what my point is.

i just wanna say "fuck" a lot, because it's something i'm not exactly doing physically, but seem to increase it tenfold mentally and karmically.
ad infinitum.

FUCK.

everyone out of the pool.

hinges and rust

Wed, 18 May 2005 20:02:34 GMT

~~i seriously wonder if all of this has crippled my ability to have a normal, healthy relationship again for a good long while.~~

~~my feelings are fleeting and sporadic, changing infinitely in ways that are often too quick for me to follow.~~

~~i have several people interested, some quite more than just 'interested', and i know i have nothing to offer them emotionally. i just sit here with my thumb up my ass trying to feel,~~ and it isn't as though i'm still stuck on him, or even that i'm comparing them to him anymore.
i stopped doing that a couple months ago.

~~i just have nothing to give, and~~ receieving seems awkward and uncomfortable.

i've even stopped thinking about sex. (with random people)

POST-INTENTION CHANGE EDIT: this post was brought to you by 5 seconds of thinking, but not believing what i wrote. this will happen a lot. that's what part of this new LJ is about.